writing blocks 11/17

Why I don't share my writing/ Why I often just don't write anything...

Because nothing ever feels complete.  I just read over the piece I wrote on the martyrs.  I hate it.  It's scrambled eggs.  It is thrown together thoughts from this place, and that book, and her story.  It's not complete.  It's not coherent.  It's scrambled eggs.  And I don't want to put it out there, to the world, if it's not perfect.  And it never will be.  Nothing ever is.  I can't say I honestly feel really content with anything I've ever written or shared.  I believe parts of it are good.  I think maybe you'll read it and think, well that line was really powerful, or I like this story or image she shared.  But the written work in general, the complete piece.... no good.  garbage even.  There were so many holes, more than swiss cheese.  Maybe some parts were too cheesy... or too preachy... or too sentimental.  Maybe there will be too many questions and not enough time for answers, not enough time to explain myself.  I could edit my work.  But I don't think I would like it any more or feel any more satisfied with the finished product.  And if I waited and edited and re-wrote until I thought it was complete, and accurate, and I was thoroughly pleased.... it would never be published.  You wouldn't even be privileged to the half thoughts, and run on sentences, and stream of conscious ramblings.  If I think too much about my writing, I go crazy, and drive myself into a deeper hole of doubt and fear where my thoughts and writings stay buried.  So I push forward with feelings of unsettled stomach and doubting mind.  I write, and I'm sharing what I write.  I think, and I put those thoughts out there.  They aren't everything, but they are something.  I'm not trying to sum up my entire being, life experience, world view, and/or personal beliefs every time I share a thought.  It is a part, never a whole, and you need to accept that just as much as I do.  To sit with the uneasiness of imperfection, of empty spaces where maybe you want more details.  And I might change thoughts and words from one day to the next, or one moment to the next.  In the words of Whitman: "I'm large, I contain multitudes."  So no piece of writing will ever contain the whole ocean, but maybe a drop of water is just as valuable and still worth sharing - one drop at a time.