Ignorance was bliss?
On February 27, 2011 I lay in a hospital bed unsure of what was to come next. My weight had dropped over the past month from 155 pounds down to 140 pounds. I had a mounting temperature rising, at the highest, to 105.1 degrees. The last time I talked to my primary care physician a few days prior, the last thing he said was, “There’s something seriously wrong with your blood.”
I had gone to the hospital on the 27th at the willing of my parents, whom I was visiting. An hour or so after being admitted to the hospital, it was confirmed. I was HIV positive, by definition I had AIDS. My determination sky-rocketed with this confirmation. I would not go down without a fight and I was determined more than ever to rise above my situation and become a healthy individual once again.
What I didn’t know on the 27th that I found out on March 5th or so was that my virus count was at an incredible 5 million, while my CD4/T-Cell count was at an extremely low six. I was on the edge of death. When my mom told me this after I got out of the hospital a week later, I could hear the pain in her voice, but I did not crack. I accepted my mistakes and poor decisions that had brought me to this point and vowed to get back to my full potential as quickly as possible. By the end of March 2011 I had gained 40 pounds. A month after I left the hospital, I began a daily workout regiment. By the third month knowing I was positive, my CD4count had jumped to 43, while my various count was down to 100 or so. Now, a year later I am at a healthy place, in a healthy state of being and my CD4 count has risen to 229.
If it were not for my faith in myself and my future and the spiritual and logical values that I embrace for myself and live by, I would not have been able to rise above my situation, accept responsibility and grow into a more complete individual filled with understanding.
This past year has been the most challenging year of my life and I do not expect the challenges to end anytime soon. However, I know that it is in my power to choose how I react to a situation when it is presented to me.
Ignorance has never been bliss.
So sad that it took so long and such a serious course of action for me to realize that ignorance is so god damn ignorant.
No more days to waste living in the unknown when it comes to my health. But it seems so damn silly to me that the gay community as a whole? as I know it is so god damn ignorant to this disease, this virus. It's all about control... Burrough's great philosophical argument... "How do you short-circuit control?" It's quite impossible without educated knowledge.
Children in Africa know more and have more control over proper courses of action than the common American. We must fight! for a cure! It is small possible. That which is made in a lab can be destroyed in a lab. Right?
I will not succumb to this virus. I am in CONTROL. I understand how it attacks my cells, weakening my immune system, making me prone to die of the common cold. I understand how sick I was. Keyword: WAS! No I am not cured. I never will be, America. But, for as sick as I was to now be as healthy as I am- I am hope incarnate, as are so many others. I am the voice in the night for the young person, newly infected, scared to even survive or be undetectable.
Side effects? What side effects? I am free. Have no fear. I live. Don't be afraid of the shame and what people will say or not say. Love exists. It's all about control. So sad though--this really tears me apart--the vast ignorance of this community.
"My T-cell count is up to 78 now," I say joyfully.
"What are you talking about? I don't know what that means..."
" You need 800+. I had 6."
"Oh nice," you reply sheepishly.
"And my virus count is undetectable. From 5 million copies per milliliter to undetectable in only 4.5 months!"
"That's good right?"
Fool! That is glorious. HAART...ARVs... may not save lives or cure bodies, but they are a gift from god, so much as this virus is a curse from men with evil intentions and small cocks equivalent to their massive egos rotting their karma so as their children die as I die, just with shame. This is no curse of love. Most that I know that have become infected, did not do so because of ignorance, but mistakes.
To those that chase the bug, to those that have bug parties, to those that think it's a blessing, to all of you I say:
You are wrong. Look at pictures of our dying brothers and sisters. Read the horror stories. Look at the number-- so many go without access to proper medications here, at home. Feel the pain I and so many others feel in our hearts, our minds and bodies. This is not a pain cause by shame or guilt or fear. This is a pain that without access to our ARVs the timeline on this plane of existence becomes quite real. These bodies are not immortal. When you face that realization, I hope that you WAKE UP. Acknowledging your eventual death is the first step in living forever at every moment.
We can beat this virus, so long as we are the ones to control it and the spreading of knowledge about it.
All to often the face of HIV/AIDs is lost in forgotten, stereotypical imagery.
We will NOT go quietly into the void.
Together we rise into the public's collected eye.
I am Alexander William Schuster & I am the face of HIV/AIDs in the 21st Century.
Hear my battle cry. I will not be forgotten.
This is my Moment of Fierce Grace:
“I find this disease to be quite embarrassing
a constant penance for my heartache and loss of love
I rely on my life as a lesson to not forget that Love IS my saving grace
This disease reminds me with each pill
each night that I failed
my body and soul in one life
and not this nor the next evermore
I am love and I love
I love myself from here forth
and all of you that exist in my love
all exist in my love- your love--one love
This is pure active acknowledgement of love evermore
This is my moment of Fierce Grace
I embrace it and destroy all hate Evermore.”
On February 27, 2011 I lay in a hospital bed unsure of what was to come next. My weight had dropped over the past month from 155 pounds down to 140 pounds. I had a mounting temperature rising, at the highest, to 105.1 degrees. The last time I talked to my primary care physician a few days prior, the last thing he said was, “There’s something seriously wrong with your blood.”
I had gone to the hospital on the 27th at the willing of my parents, whom I was visiting. An hour or so after being admitted to the hospital, it was confirmed. I was HIV positive, by definition I had AIDS. My determination sky-rocketed with this confirmation. I would not go down without a fight and I was determined more than ever to rise above my situation and become a healthy individual once again.
What I didn’t know on the 27th that I found out on March 5th or so was that my virus count was at an incredible 5 million, while my CD4/T-Cell count was at an extremely low six. I was on the edge of death. When my mom told me this after I got out of the hospital a week later, I could hear the pain in her voice, but I did not crack. I accepted my mistakes and poor decisions that had brought me to this point and vowed to get back to my full potential as quickly as possible. By the end of March 2011 I had gained 40 pounds. A month after I left the hospital, I began a daily workout regiment. By the third month knowing I was positive, my CD4count had jumped to 43, while my various count was down to 100 or so. Now, a year later I am at a healthy place, in a healthy state of being and my CD4 count has risen to 229.
If it were not for my faith in myself and my future and the spiritual and logical values that I embrace for myself and live by, I would not have been able to rise above my situation, accept responsibility and grow into a more complete individual filled with understanding.
This past year has been the most challenging year of my life and I do not expect the challenges to end anytime soon. However, I know that it is in my power to choose how I react to a situation when it is presented to me.
Ignorance has never been bliss.
So sad that it took so long and such a serious course of action for me to realize that ignorance is so god damn ignorant.
No more days to waste living in the unknown when it comes to my health. But it seems so damn silly to me that the gay community as a whole? as I know it is so god damn ignorant to this disease, this virus. It's all about control... Burrough's great philosophical argument... "How do you short-circuit control?" It's quite impossible without educated knowledge.
Children in Africa know more and have more control over proper courses of action than the common American. We must fight! for a cure! It is small possible. That which is made in a lab can be destroyed in a lab. Right?
I will not succumb to this virus. I am in CONTROL. I understand how it attacks my cells, weakening my immune system, making me prone to die of the common cold. I understand how sick I was. Keyword: WAS! No I am not cured. I never will be, America. But, for as sick as I was to now be as healthy as I am- I am hope incarnate, as are so many others. I am the voice in the night for the young person, newly infected, scared to even survive or be undetectable.
Side effects? What side effects? I am free. Have no fear. I live. Don't be afraid of the shame and what people will say or not say. Love exists. It's all about control. So sad though--this really tears me apart--the vast ignorance of this community.
"My T-cell count is up to 78 now," I say joyfully.
"What are you talking about? I don't know what that means..."
" You need 800+. I had 6."
"Oh nice," you reply sheepishly.
"And my virus count is undetectable. From 5 million copies per milliliter to undetectable in only 4.5 months!"
"That's good right?"
Fool! That is glorious. HAART...ARVs... may not save lives or cure bodies, but they are a gift from god, so much as this virus is a curse from men with evil intentions and small cocks equivalent to their massive egos rotting their karma so as their children die as I die, just with shame. This is no curse of love. Most that I know that have become infected, did not do so because of ignorance, but mistakes.
To those that chase the bug, to those that have bug parties, to those that think it's a blessing, to all of you I say:
You are wrong. Look at pictures of our dying brothers and sisters. Read the horror stories. Look at the number-- so many go without access to proper medications here, at home. Feel the pain I and so many others feel in our hearts, our minds and bodies. This is not a pain cause by shame or guilt or fear. This is a pain that without access to our ARVs the timeline on this plane of existence becomes quite real. These bodies are not immortal. When you face that realization, I hope that you WAKE UP. Acknowledging your eventual death is the first step in living forever at every moment.
We can beat this virus, so long as we are the ones to control it and the spreading of knowledge about it.
All to often the face of HIV/AIDs is lost in forgotten, stereotypical imagery.
We will NOT go quietly into the void.
Together we rise into the public's collected eye.
I am Alexander William Schuster & I am the face of HIV/AIDs in the 21st Century.
Hear my battle cry. I will not be forgotten.
This is my Moment of Fierce Grace:
“I find this disease to be quite embarrassing
a constant penance for my heartache and loss of love
I rely on my life as a lesson to not forget that Love IS my saving grace
This disease reminds me with each pill
each night that I failed
my body and soul in one life
and not this nor the next evermore
I am love and I love
I love myself from here forth
and all of you that exist in my love
all exist in my love- your love--one love
This is pure active acknowledgement of love evermore
This is my moment of Fierce Grace
I embrace it and destroy all hate Evermore.”
Al, circulate this widely--email, Facebook, other blogs, snail mail to people you know that don't do the internet. Have you seen the movie about Ram Dass called "Fierce Grace"?
ReplyDeleteyes, you are love, and to accept yourself, all of ourselves - me for me and you for you and me for us and you for me and us too...that is heroic, fierce grace to embrace love forevermore. Thank you. Please share these words widely - they are inspiring.
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