Mary Ellen by Carol

I’m trying to remember
I’m trying to remember
When it all began
I suppose it began with my birth
But then again it also began with Mary Ellen

I loved Mary Ellen.
We were in college together
And she was a dorm mother or something of that nature
And I’m not too sure how I met her
But we were seniors and I babysat to make spending money
(babysat two very strange children
Who could have been the stars
Of Henry James’ Turn of the Screw)
And then we would go to see Bergman movies
And she could do no wrong
And she said Jesus was a pacifist
And I believed it and my family screamed
‘What about Hitler?’
That’s always the question
‘What about Hitler?

And that summer I volunteered at a NM mission
And in the fall I went to Grailville
And walked up to the edge of going
Back to school as I have walked up to the
Edge of so many things
But then I turned around
And went back to St Louis
And got pregnant and went to MS to teach

And found myself in NYC –
Did I make decisions?
I was flying by the seat of my pants.
I married a man I felt I loved
And went back to MS a mother –
In the heat, the mosquitoes,the dust
The young boys with too much time on their hands
Exposing themselves, talking to my babies
About ‘fuck pants’ and I never saw their parents
And we went to Boston and Mary Ellen
Went to med school and I saw her once or twice
But she was far away

I was far away – in Boston. Then in Missouri
Here and there over the years
She lives in Santa Fe, a psychiatrist,
She does not answer letters
Our mutual friend says she lives in the present
And we are too much a part of the past

Life goes on
Children grow up
Everything changes, nothing changes
I am happy, I am sad - how glorious it would be to me
To see Mary Ellen