Solo Mujer

I sent this to Mark in November and he asked if I would share it then...I haven't had the courage until listening to Te share last night at Share the Wealth. SO...in the spirit of healing from writing and from sharing writing, here is a monologue I wrote when I was on silent retreat in El Salvador nearing the end of my semester there. Seguimos adelante! Romero, presente

Solo mujer

I am woman, solo mujer

What is it to be woman?

And more

What is it to be woman in El Salvador? (A country ravaged by war, machismo, and systemic injustice)

To be woman is to be born into a world already in the bottom fighting to be heard

To be woman is knowing how to make tortillas before learning to read or write

To be woman is to have your childhood cut short

It’s letting the priest have the last word…or not

To be woman is to know you will never be man

It is not planning too far into the future because you don’t want to get your hopes up

To be woman is also to answer every “how are you” with “I’m here, Graciás a Dios”

To be woman is walking down the street and feeling the eye of every man you encounter undress you

Being woman is waiting, sick, for 3 days to hear if your son made it across the border safely to the U.S., (knowing he’s is there because of you)

It’s giving birth to your child only hoping you both will survive

To be woman is to look down and walk ahead when a man calls you chucha, or bitch

To be there and be woman is to know your newborn daughter awaits the same reality you have

To be woman is to hope your husband will not treat your son better than your daughter

Being woman is feeling great anguish in your womb when it is dark and your children have yet to come home from school

It is wanting, needing to rest in the hammock but knowing your place is in the kitchen

Being woman is burying your 8-month old baby because you couldn’t afford a doctor

To be woman is hoping your newborn baby will breast-feed long enough for your husband to find work to buy food

To be woman is to watch your son be paralyzed by a fall at work knowing he only started working to put food on your table

Being woman is to have man read and write for you because it’s just too hard

To be woman is having to trust the bottle of pills the doctor gave you is really what you need, because you don’t know the difference

It is your children having 3 different fathers, none of whom stuck around

Being woman is lying on your all too early deathbed knowing you are leaving your 21-year-old daughter to take care of her 8 younger brothers and sisters

Being woman is sending your disabled son to a government home because you can’t afford to care for him properly

It’s dancing with your drunk husband because it’s safer to just do what he asks

To be woman is to always look over your shoulder because you don’t want that solider behind you to follow you home and rape you

Being woman is dreading the end of the school year because when classes end, so do the free lunches

Being woman is seeing your father leave your mother to be with the woman next door

Being woman is knowing you are woman

But also…

To be woman is to know, a pesar de todo, in spite of everything, all is grace